He walked out on his step-daughter's wedding

On the guy who walked out on his “step-daughter’s” wedding

I watched this video the other morning where supposedly this guy goes on to say how he was taken advantage of by his GF and her daughter.  Apparently he had paid for the girl’s education, bought her a car and was in the process of paying for her wedding when I got fed up because, according to his testimony the girl and the mom failed to invite a group of guests he had asked to be invited and they change the host from him to the girl’s natural father.  

On one side the story paints this guy as some kind of saint who ends up indignant because his GF and her daughter treat him more like an ATM than a patriarch/father.  But every story has two sides and we are not hearing from the women in this story, only the indignant guy who feels taken advantage of.

I have a few questions:

1. Obviously they have been together for a while since he paid for the girl’s education.  So why is her mom just his GF instead of his wife?  It makes me wonder how emotionally invested he is in the relationship.
2. Does providing for someone’s financial desires like education, car and wedding make you a true patriarch?
3. What was his expectation of his role of patriarch vs. their expectation of him
4. Was he just a well off guy who was taken advantage of because he was willing to shell out the bucks
5. Does making a financial commitment equate to love?

My conclusions

I see a couple of things at work. First as someone who watched his father work long and hard to make sure that family had it basic needs met, I can related to this kind of thinking.  When I first got married, I thought that my main job as a husband was to bring home the bacon.  BUT as I have learned in my 42 years of marriage it takes more than bringing home the bacon to be a true husband/patriarch.  I had to learn how to listen and how to see past monetary considerations.  There is a need for emotional commitment as well as financial.

Second: I think the feminist movement has done a pretty good job of trying to marginalize men.  Men are sperm donors more that fathers and often feminists would like to see them less involved in the parenting process because they are more likely to cause harm than good.  I don’t just blame feminism for this.  First I blame the men of the past who have tried to make women look weak, helpless and more of a bother than a help.  Men who referred to the traditional roles of women as somehow less valuable than that of those who worked outside the home. And I blame those men who have allowed themselves to be made tame and nice (in the old French meaning of having no backbone or self-determination).  Men and women are meant to work alongside each other helping, loving and encouraging each other.  It is time for the pengelem to find its center when neither the man nor the woman’s rights/value is greater than the other’s.

Third: I see men who are unwilling to commit to the role of patriarch.  Some seem happy to be mere sperm donors and are unwilling to participate in the upbringing of their prodigy other than the occasional appearance at their convenience.  I don’t know who to blame for this.  Clearly they have learned this kind of behavior from observing someone else like their own absent fathers.

Finally I see a lack of good role models.  If we look to either Hollywood or Washington DC we are going to be disappointed because we see people more self-focused and self-absorbed than anything.  There are some in the church, but like the apostle Paul said in his time, “Teachers we have plenty of what we lack are good father figures.”  I would take that to mean we don’t have enough men investing in other younger people to help them become good role models and teach them what it really means to be a spouse and parent.

In the video I was referring to, I think the man assumed that his giving money was loving his GF and her daughter.  Maybe that was his love language, but I don’t think that they really felt he was invested in them emotionally based on their behavior.  Maybe I am wrong.  There are plenty of selfish people in the world.  But I also believe that if you are investing in people financially you cannot expect to get anything back.  I think we will always be disappointed in them.  When we give we need to do so without any preconceived expectations of getting respect or our due.  Jesus taught us not to loan to others but rather to give without expectation of  being paid back, whether that be in money or respect.  When we give things with expectations we bind ourselves to the potential of disappointment and resentment.

God loves a cheerful giver who gives without compulsion and without expectation.

Some thoughts about atheism

It is interesting that I found myself thinking about writing something about atheists and then this morning I got a link to a YouTube commentary to a Fox News video titled "Dumbest anti atheist question of the month?"  I am convinced that many believers are really not prepared to talk to atheists.  Part of this is due to pseudo-christian tendency to become defensive and hostile to people who say they don't believe.  Now I have to admit that some atheists are especially caustic and obnoxious, but hey that's their choice... or is it.

When I think of atheists, I don't think of them as enlighten people who some how have been set free of the burden of believing that they and the universe they live in were some how made on purpose.  I don't see them as enemies of God or of people of faith necessarily.  I have personally placed them in one of a few categories that I will list below.

1.  They were either the children of atheists or they were influenced by other atheists to believe that people of faith are not rational.  I find this often times in the intelligentsia.  These people are convinced that they are smarter than the average bear and like to look down upon us poor uninformed people who actually believe that there is more than just order to the universe, that there is in fact purpose and One who is responsible for both the order and the purpose we find in the universe.

These kinds of people are so convinced of their intelligence and rightness that they will not allow themselves to be drawn into an discussion about the possibility of a deity of any kind.  Personally I think that anyone who dismisses an argument out of hand is just hiding their fear of being found out as a fraud.  Arrogance is often just a cover for fear.  Such people are afraid of being proven wrong.  Better to just pray for them and trust that one day the right circumstances will put them in a place to be open to listen.

2.  Those who have been abused, hurt or disappointed by those claiming to know God.  I think these people can be reached by authentic compassionate Christians.  These people are upset with God because human beings have failed them.  They are not true atheists, but rather hurting people who blame God for the wrongs done by those who claim to be followers of Jesus.  Even Gandhi rejected Christianity because Christians in South Africa supported Apartheid. These people don't need caustic retorts from supposed believers.  Many of them know that the Bible says that Christians will be known by their love, so they are looking for it.  They have rejected Christianity, its followers and their God because they are not seeing the love Christ promised in the Bible.

3.  Some people are mad at God.  They prayed the prayer of faith and their loved one still died.  These people wanted to believe, and they took the Bible at face value which says that whatever we pray in Jesus name will be granted us.  Obviously (to me) we cannot take this Bible passage out of the context of the whole Bible.  There will be unanswered prayers.  There will be those who die of cancer and other things where it seems wrong and unfair; a child left without a parent; a child taken by unkind circumstances, a faithful loved one killed senselessly.  Any of these situations can cause a person to turn their back on God and say that there is no god.  In fact they may be very hostile to the thought of believing in God.  But again these people just need some love and compassion to see the reality of our faith.

4. Some are atheists because they look at the disunity and the wrong done in the name of Jesus.  They look at all the things wrong in the Church and say, "There cannot be a God which they serve if they act this way."  I admit after studying church history, I was left with a sick feeling in my heart.  I have an answer to that which I will address here some day soon.  But back to the main point... these are hurting, wounded or disillusioned people who just want to see some authentic love.  Just one authentic Christian who would listen to them, have compassion for them and demonstrate true Christian charity (love) could be all it takes to reach people like this.

I would like to end with this.  Atheist are not the enemy.  They are people who have rejected the notion of a God for any one of several reasons.  Our true enemy is not of this world.  He preys on people's fears and hurt feelings.  He encourages hating people for their being different. Now there are the few apologist who might be able to provide a sensible reason for faith, but it is Christian love that is the real lodestone.  If people don't see we Christians loving sinners and demonstrating the kind of love that can only come from God, then there will always be an abundance of atheists.  Atheists don't need our hate mongering and caustic remarks; that only makes us like any fool walking in the flesh.  The Christian response is love for hate and blessing for cursing.  The only way to live that way is to die to our selfish fleshly urges and submit ourselves to God.

It is interesting to note that the only people who Jesus had harsh words for were the religious people, who should have know better than to try to turn faith into nothing more than keeping a bunch of arbitrarily mandated rules.  The whole of the Law, The Prophets and the writings boil down to loving both God and our neighbors.  Anything else is just human foolishness.  I am also reminded of the words of the Apostle Paul, who said that he did not come with persuasive words, but with a demonstration of power.  What could be more powerful that the love of God pouring out through our lives.

So the next time you go to bad mouth an atheist, ask yourself, "What have I done to demonstrate the love of God to this person?"

In His Love,
Alan J. Beckett