Background
My wife and I were married fairly young by today's standards. I had just turned 20 and my wife was 18. I am not sure how many people were routing for us but, I suspect that there were a lot of people thinking... that won't last. My idea of marriage was to be the bread winner; work as much as it takes to keep food on the table and a roof over our head. My wife married me in part to get out from under her parents roof but also because she was smitten by me.
We both had baggage and it didn't take long before our baggage started causing us problems. We fought, in fact we fought like cats and dogs, not in public, but if you were our neighbor you would know that we had anger issues. It rarely came to physical blows, but there was a lot of yelling, especially on my wife's part. I hated yelling and would always hold off until I couldn't stand it any more.
One thing we had going for us though was we never badmouthed the other in front of others. I didn't blame her and she didn't blame me. We both recount this time when friends invited us to a picnic at the beach with some of their friends. It was a nice day at Cliff-side park just south of Santa Cruz, CA; one of our favorite places to go in youth. The food was good and is often the case we broke up into the men's group and the women's group. Afterwards my wife and I were both shocked by how much time these folks whined and complained about their spouses. I don't know why but AnnMarie and I had decided mutually without ever saying it out loud, to never complain about the other in front of friends. This may have made us look like the perfect couple to our friends, but we still fought regularly.
Our New Life in Christ
When when we have been married close to 15 years we both came to the Lord. Read My Testimony if you want to know a bit more about that. But coming to Christ, did not instantly fix all our problems. We still fought like cats and dogs. And of course now that I was studying the Bible I could tell my wife what was unbiblical with her behavior, which at times was like adding gasoline to the fire. But one day I had a "God encounter" that profoundly shook my world.
So it was another of those days when we were at odds and arguing. There was yelling and recriminations flying back and forth. And somehow in the middle of this I had a vision from God. In the vision I was sitting on the floor, and like a child having a tantrum I was thrumming my heals and my fists on the floor in my frustration. Then suddenly in the vision Jesus appeared. He was standing over me with his hand out and he said "Alan, whenever you're ready we can move on." I was stopped in my tracks. My anger bled away and was just left feeling a bit sheepish. I shared it with my wife, but for the life of me I cannot remember her response to it. But I was profoundly affected. It did not stop our fighting, but after that all I had to do was think of that moment and I would stop fighting.
Today
So as I was thinking about this event this morning, and no we were not arguing. We haven't had a fight like that for four of five years. It occurred to me that so often we fight for the wrong things in our life. When I was young, I fought for my pride, I fought to get my way, I fought to prevent things from changing and I fought to be in control. I think my wife most often fought to get my attention, to be heard and to try to get what she thought was right of us. But in all that fighting I cannot say that I really ever fought for us. I never fought for unity, I didn't fight to defend our relationship from all the things that were trying their best to pull us apart.
I often times have worked to serve my wife (on my terms). But I cannot say that I have fought for her. I love her, and am very glad she is in my life. I cannot think of another person who works so hard to support me and encourage me so long as I am pursuing God and his purposes in my life. But I would like that to change starting today. I am challenging myself (and you my readers) to fight for your marriage/relationship and to die to the need for control and put myself first. Lord, thank you for another revelation, may your Love, Hope and Faith lead me in all righteousness. May I ever seek to keep our marriage one that puts God first, unity second and self last.
Amen
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