On the guy who walked out on his “step-daughter’s” wedding
I watched this video the other morning where supposedly this guy goes on to say how he was taken advantage of by his GF and her daughter. Apparently he had paid for the girl’s education, bought her a car and was in the process of paying for her wedding when I got fed up because, according to his testimony the girl and the mom failed to invite a group of guests he had asked to be invited and they change the host from him to the girl’s natural father.
On one side the story paints this guy as some kind of saint who ends up indignant because his GF and her daughter treat him more like an ATM than a patriarch/father. But every story has two sides and we are not hearing from the women in this story, only the indignant guy who feels taken advantage of.
I have a few questions:
- Obviously they have been together for a while since he paid for the girl’s education. So why is her mom just his GF instead of his wife? It makes me wonder how emotionally invested he is in the relationship.
- Does providing for someone’s financial desires like education, car and wedding make you a true patriarch?
- What was his expectation of his role of patriarch vs. their expectation of him
- Was he just a well off guy who was taken advantage of because he was willing to shell out the bucks
- Does making a financial commitment equate to love?
My conclusions
I see a couple of things at work. First as someone who watched his father work long and hard to make sure that family had it basic needs met, I can related to this kind of thinking. When I first got married, I thought that my main job as a husband was to bring home the bacon. BUT as I have learned in my 42 years of marriage it takes more than bringing home the bacon to be a true husband/patriarch. I had to learn how to listen and how to see past monetary considerations. There is a need for emotional commitment as well as financial.
Second: I think the feminist movement has done a pretty good job of trying to marginalize men. Men are sperm donors more that fathers and often feminists would like to see them less involved in the parenting process because they are more likely to cause harm than good. I don’t just blame feminism for this. First I blame the men of the past who have tried to make women look weak, helpless and more of a bother than a help. Men who referred to the traditional roles of women as somehow less valuable than that of those who worked outside the home. And I blame those men who have allowed themselves to be made tame and nice (in the old French meaning of having no backbone or self-determination). Men and women are meant to work alongside each other helping, loving and encouraging each other. It is time for the pengelem to find its center when neither the man nor the woman’s rights/value is greater than the other’s.
Third: I see men who are unwilling to commit to the role of patriarch. Some seem happy to be mere sperm donors and are unwilling to participate in the upbringing of their prodigy other than the occasional appearance at their convenience. I don’t know who to blame for this. Clearly they have learned this kind of behavior from observing someone else like their own absent fathers.
Finally I see a lack of good role models. If we look to either Hollywood or Washington DC we are going to be disappointed because we see people more self-focused and self-absorbed than anything. There are some in the church, but like the apostle Paul said in his time, “Teachers we have plenty of what we lack are good father figures.” I would take that to mean we don’t have enough men investing in other younger people to help them become good role models and teach them what it really means to be a spouse and parent.
In the video I was referring to, I think the man assumed that his giving money was loving his GF and her daughter. Maybe that was his love language, but I don’t think that they really felt he was invested in them emotionally based on their behavior. Maybe I am wrong. There are plenty of selfish people in the world. But I also believe that if you are investing in people financially you cannot expect to get anything back. I think we will always be disappointed in them. When we give we need to do so without any preconceived expectations of getting respect or our due. Jesus taught us not to loan to others but rather to give without expectation of being paid back, whether that be in money or respect. When we give things with expectations we bind ourselves to the potential of disappointment and resentment.
God loves a cheerful giver who gives without compulsion and without expectation.
